I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
