I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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