i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
