I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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