glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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