I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
