I just threw up on my dentist
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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