Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
