I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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