the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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