I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
