if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
