Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize