I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
