I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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