If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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