y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
