Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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