Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
