I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
