at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
