The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
