i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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