It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
