drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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