a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
