i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize