and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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