I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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