oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
