I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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