Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
