he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
