I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
