The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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