why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
