Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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