I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
