Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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