My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
