i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
