I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
