I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
