I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
