You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
