I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Watching her eat just hurts me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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