Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Randomize
