I faked an abortion last night.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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