On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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