Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
