Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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