she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize