He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
