Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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