my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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