hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish you could order shots online.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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