Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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