why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
