he wants to bone in the snuggie
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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