this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
