Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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